Consent

We often think about the word consent in relation to sex, however it applies to so much more than this. Sexual consent is when someone agrees to engage in sexual activity by choice, without pressure, and they are able to understand what they are agreeing to.

Watch ‘Let’s talk consent in relationships’ from Rise Above

Need support urgently?

If you need to speak to someone about consent, including if you have experienced sexual violence, there are lots of people who can help.

When do I need consent?

Consent involves getting a clear ‘yes’ before doing anything that involves someone else. This could include:

• Hugging
• Kissing
• Sending or asking for nude images
• Engaging in sexual activity
• Talking about sexual stuff
• Sharing someone’s personal information

Even if you know someone really well, or you’ve done the thing before, you still need to check for consent. Consent isn’t a one-time thing – it’s something that someone can change their mind about at any point and needs checking every time.

Clear communication is key, and it’s important that you are both on the same page about what you mean. For example, your partner may agree to sex, but only if a condom is used, or they only want to have oral sex and not vaginal sex. Make sure that you are both clear on exactly what it is you are asking and consenting to in order to avoid any confusion!

Who needs to ask for consent?

Everyone – no matter their gender – has a right to give or say no to consent, and everyone has the responsibility to ask for it too. Sometimes, people are taught that certain genders should act a certain way, like boys are always ‘up for it’ and should make the first move, or girls should say yes to be nice, but these ideas are not true and can be harmful. In reality, it’s important that everyone feels confident to say what they want or don’t want, and that we all listen and respect each other’s boundaries.

Sexual consent

Sexual consent is when someone agrees to have sex or to engage in sexual activity. When someone gives consent to sex, this must be by choice, without pressure, and they must be able to understand what they are agreeing to.

Freedom, capacity and choice

Often, when people think about consent, they think it is as simple as ‘yes means yes’ and ‘no means no’. However, consent is much more than this and it’s important to know that sometimes even a ‘yes’ does not mean someone is consenting.

In UK law, consent is defined as when someone agrees by choice, and as the freedom and capacity to make that choice. So what do we mean by freedom and capacity?

Freedom means that someone is actually able to make the choice to have sex without pressure or coercion, and they are able to change their mind without worrying about something bad happening. In other words: they are saying yes because they really WANT to! Things that can affect someone’s freedom to consent include being threatened, using physical force, guilt-tripping, giving gifts in return for sex, or pressuring or manipulating someone, even if it seems like a compliment.

Capacity refers to someone’s ability to really understand the choice they are making. Things that can affect someone’s capacity include if someone is under the age of consent, if they are drunk or high, or if they are asleep or unconscious.

If someone does not have freedom or capacity, even if they say yes, it’s not real consent.

Age of consent

In the UK, the legal age of consent is 16 – this means that in the eyes of the law, you are only able to consent to sex when you are 16 or over. It is important to know that this law is there to protect people from being harmed or taken advantage of by adults – not to get young people in trouble for having sex.

If you are aged 13-15, it’s very unlikely that you will get in trouble if you have sex with someone of a similar age and you are both consenting. You will be able to access sexual health services confidentially (without anyone knowing about it) even though you’re under the age of legal consent to sex, as long as the healthcare professionals believe that you fully understand the information and decisions involved.

If you are aged 13 or under, the law states that you cannot consent in any circumstance, even if your partner is the same age and you both agree to it, and any sexual activity with someone under the age of 13 is classed as rape or sexual assault. You can still access support around sexual health and relationships and you’re unlikely to get into trouble, however it wouldn’t be able to be kept confidential.

How do I know if someone is consenting?

Talking about consent can feel awkward and difficult, especially if it’s new to you, but communication is a skill that we can practise and learn, and conversations around consent don’t have to feel like a formal, serious conversation!

A lot of people struggle to say no as they may be worried about upsetting someone, feel like they ‘should’ say yes, or just find it difficult or awkward. Sometimes, it may be easier to say yes to alternative options, instead of just saying no. You could say things like:​

• “Would you rather go back to watching the film?” ​
• “Do you want to slow down?”
• “I’d quite like to try ___, what do you think?”
• “What would you like to try?”
• “Do you want me to move position?”
• “Shall we go somewhere else instead?” ​
• “I hope you know you can tell me how you’re really feeling – saying ‘no’ is ok.”​

These questions let the other person know that they have a choice, and that you are ok with their answer no matter what.​

Signs of consent

It’s important to look out for the signs of consent – not just listen out for a yes or no – because consent involves so much more than this, including body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and context.